I'm casting a vision

Infidelity in committed relationships is usually a unilateral act. Every coupleship has spoken or assumed agreements about what crosses the line into cheating, and open relationships are no exception. When one person breaches the fidelity code of conduct they have with their partner, it breaks down trust and safety. The tricky part is this: because most fidelity violators work to keep their actions secret, their partners keep loyally contributing to the relationship in a false context of safety. Once a partner discovers more secrets, the distrust that has been heating up for years comes to a full boil. I call this reality collapse, and it is a deeply traumatic experience. Unfortunately, many couples seek counseling only after these discovery patterns have occurred multiple times. Furthermore, finding the right help, right away can be a huge challenge for clients. With so many programs and approaches out there, sifting through it all — while in total crisis mode — can be overwhelming.

I believe that as the mental health realm embraces the language of betrayal violence we will see more consistent therapeutic assessment and application. There are so many good books, podcasts and programs targeting the rebuilding of trust, and it’s important for clients to feel represented by the lens through which their selected resources address infidelity. This can be difficult, as they each offer different blends of theoretical perspectives about things like problematic sexual behavior, sex addiction, attachment theory, betrayal trauma theory, codependency, coercive control, spirituality and more. 

It is essential that we begin using standardized terms regarding infidelity in the therapy realm. It is paramount that the field of psychology as a whole correctly understand the glaring issue of power and control imbedded in most secret cheating and intimate betrayal. 

I believe this information has the power to impact not only the mental health domain but also the legal system, the medical field, and faith-based, community and advocacy programs.

It’s #timetodefine betrayal violence

The conduct of betrayal violence hasn’t been clearly defined – until now. This language is meant to provide relief and cohesion for clients and clinicians alike; it serves as a springboard to unity and clarity in the clinical community and beyond. 

My hope is that every person navigating through this traumatic terrain can feel comprehensively seen, understood, and guided to the right next thing.

We’re leading a movement - initiating promising change… The world will catch on as we keep going.

Imagine the possibilities...
Here are the goals for this work:

• Every gynecologist will be able to identify and provide resources for betrayal violence.

• Every pastor, priest, rabbi, imam, bishop, Biblical counselor, etc. will be able to recognize the presence of abuse dynamics in working with couples where betrayal violence is occurring.

• Every court system will maintain accountability for betrayal violence in relevant divorce and child custody cases.

• Psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists will immediately assess for power and control dynamics in couples therapy where there are infidelity-related concerns. 

• Every domestic violence center will have programming and resources available specifically for betrayal violence.

• Professors and graduate counseling programs will include betrayal violence conduct in their curricula. 

• Certified coaches will be able to detect betrayal violence conduct and offer support and education to their clients.

• Advocates will take a reponse-based approach to betrayal violence and promote awareness through non-victim-blaming advocacy.

• And clients will have a more effective starting place by having equity concerns prioritized in their individual and couples therapy.